Narcissism and Mediation: What to Know & What NOT to do
Today, narcissism is a hot topic. More than 30% of mediation instances involving narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It's crucial for mediators to comprehend narcissistic ex-partners and for clients to know what to highlight to experts. These 6 traits help you spot a narcissist:
The truth is flexible for narcissists.
A narcissist's truth changes from day to day. As mediators, we can notice this narcissistic tendency if a client contradicts themselves. In finance cases, this could show up when facts like self-employment income seem to change. In children's cases, different stories or explanations surface at different junctures. If you question this as a mediator, you could be met with statements about how you don't understand the information and that it's your inadequacy that's at fault.
A narcissist gaslights by distorting the victim's reality, feelings, and recollection of events.
More gaslighting means the victim will trust the narcissist and doubt their own actions and thinking. As mediators, clients frequently try to subjectively explain the legal system to us or undercut our expertise and/or knowledge.
A narcissist who is masquerading as a victim might make a strong and heartfelt appeal to professionals that they have been the victim of the other person's abuse,
but they won't appear 'broken' - they won't exhibit confusion, despair or worry over the financial cost of all of this, they won't show any uncertainty about where to go or who to approach for help, and they won't ever pry.
Triangulate others: Narcissists use others to throw off their victims' balance.
If a victim is confused, outside persons may transmit the narcissist's message as an independent source. This triangulation doesn't exclude family professionals who are attempting to help; a narcissist will try to influence the mediator as they have their ex, if they can. Mediators should recognize where they fit in a narcissist's framework — are they trying to make you another of their victims, perpetrators, or rescuers?
Goalpost shifting:
Narcissists produce turmoil and postpone mediation by altering the goalposts, priorities, and complications. Narcissists don't want a reasonable, rational ending; they live on continuing confrontation. If the process ends, they must 'win'; if not, they will continue to torture their former partner afterward.
Rule-breaking:
Narcissists don't do homework or provide sufficient financial disclosure, which might prevent a mediator from conducting a session efficiently. Narcissists will also try to undermine your role, doubt your professionalism, and claim that you're not doing a good job. In these situations, mediators have clear boundaries.
Mediators commonly learn at professional conferences that former partners should not attend mediation if they are narcissists or have narcissistic tendencies. Mediators are aware of these qualities and how difficult it may be to deal with a narcissistic ex-partner. Part of a mediator's initial assessment meeting is determining if mediation is appropriate in your circumstances.
Find a mediator who is qualified and skilled in detecting these indications of narcissism and aiding families where narcissism is an issue. A mediator's function is to gently guide both parties towards a judge-approved outcome that provides the narcissist a sense of 'winning' and the victim freedom and control over their future.